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Chuck Norris

HrH

By HrH
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HrH Menig 2

HrH

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Saxat från ett annat forum :banana

 

Some facts about Chuck Norris

 

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."

After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

 

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

 

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

 

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

 

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way

out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

 

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

 

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

 

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead

 

HrH

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  • 7 months later...
Genseric Menig 1

Genseric

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En på tyska: Wenn Bruce Banner wütend ist, wird er zum Hulk. Wenn der Hulk wütend ist, wird er zu Chuck Norris.

 

Kom ihåg att murphy är där ute... :rodna: Och nu kan saker gå sämre än sämst.. Chuck kanske teleporteras till din location tillsammans med sina elaka indrivar-ninjas och tillsammans så roundhousekickar dom dig som fan :D

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UAV Furir

UAV

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 240 8.125

Chuck Norris can speak braille. 105 8.114

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 139 8.101

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 115 8.052

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. 82 8.037

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up. 29 8.034

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 107 8.028

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef. 70 8.014

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes. 50 8.000

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 117 7.991

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 70 7.971

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. 82 7.963

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery." 66 7.955

Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it 76 7.947

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. 89 7.944

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 72 7.944

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*** he wants. 75 7.920

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. 61 7.918

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. 70 7.914

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. 61 7.902

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. 69 7.899

The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot. 88 7.864

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. 40 7.850

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 46 7.848

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. 98 7.847

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. 78 7.846

Chuck Norris shot and killed a man with a laser tag gun. 42 7.833

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims. 35 7.829

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats. 68 7.809

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 104 7.798

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 66 7.788

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. 89 7.787

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger. 60 7.783

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 60 7.783

Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks. 59 7.780

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. 61 7.770

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 84 7.738

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men. 60 7.700

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen. 109 7.697

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. 56 7.696

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 55 7.691

Chuck Norris once earned his MD by beating 84 Doctors in the game Operation. 32 7.688

The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris. 44 7.659

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 59 7.644

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. 53 7.642

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." 66 7.636

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them. 80 7.613

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. 55 7.600

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. 65 7.600

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. 35 7.600

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide. 62 7.597

Chuck Norris once visited Heaven. Needless to say, no one will be getting their 72 virgins. 44 7.591

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

51 7.588

Vin Diesel can be re-arranged to say, "I end lives". Screw that; Chuck Norris can be re-arranged to say "Chuck Norris", Which means the same thing. 34 7.588

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 69 7.580

Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised. 49 7.571

Chuck Norris can make mute people scream. 46 7.565

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. 36 7.556

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil. 68 7.529

ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment. 36 7.528

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out. 38 7.526

Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand. 76 7.513

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". 116 7.491

There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. 51 7.490

Objects in Chuck Norris' rear view mirror are closer than they should be. They are making a grave mistake. 43 7.488

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face. 72 7.486

Chuck Norris divides by zero. 44 7.477

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the f*** Chuck Norris is. 63 7.476

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. 90 7.467

Chuck Norris is the reason Jack is in a box. 29 7.448

Chuck Norris doesn't cut grass, he dares it to grow. 38 7.447

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. 77 7.429

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life. 59 7.424

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 71 7.423

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. 45 7.422

The most powerful Yu-Gi-Oh! card is the Chuck Norris Card. Once brought into play, all other cards spontaneously burst into flames. Chuck Norris will then jump out of the card and roundhouse kick you and everyone else for playing such a gay game. 62 7.419

Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris." 55 7.418

If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long. 55 7.400

Mr. Rogers used to be an asshole, until Chuck Norris told him to "calm the f*** down". 34 7.382

Chuck Norris is the reason the devil went down to Georgia and not Texas. 48 7.375

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff. 75 7.373

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. 43 7.372

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. 52 7.365

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life". 42 7.357

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. 45 7.333

Chuck Norris prefers to kill people with their own bare hands. 34 7.324

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. 56 7.304

The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris. 55 7.291

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris. 45 7.289

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is. 63 7.286

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic. 66 7.273

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 90 7.267

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery. 27 7.259

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry. 43 7.256

If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass. 59 7.254

Chuck Norris only needs one to tango. 39 7.231

Chuck Norris goes uphill skiing. 49 7.224

The Terminator once went back in time to kill Chuck Norris. He found only a note from Chuck reading "Bitch lips-- I have already traveled to the future and am currently beating your ass there, when I return I'll bring a piece of your metal ass back with me and beat you with that in the present." 55 7.218

It is widely known that Houdini died when a kid punched him in the stomach. What isn't widely known is that kid was Chuck Norris. 48 7.208

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

 

Klistrat in från samma sida som ovan.

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  • 1 year later...
Solon Furir

Solon

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Alla vet att T3h Hoff (David Hasselhoff) äter Chuck Norris till kaffebröd!

 

Haha word! dont mess with the hoff :)

Yeah right :-(

Hasselhoff på avgiftning

 

äh det där är bara hans skenmanöver för att lura sina fiender :)

 

Va har hoff fiender? Bara där bevisar du ju att Chuck Norris är honom totalt överlägsen.. Chuck Norris har ju inga kvar.

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  • 1 month later...
Vildmannen Överfurir

Vildmannen

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2x Chuck Norris på Tv4 i kväll.

Med start kl 00.10 visas kvalitetsfilmerna The Delta Force, följd av Delta Force II

Filmerna ger säkert prov på realistiska scener såsom; automateld från höften med 100% träffresultat, magasin som räcker i 10 minuter, folk som flyger 15 meter till följd av en handgranatsexplosion och handgemäng där Chuck Norris tar emot 20 sparkar och slag mot kroppen utan att blinka :rolleyes:

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Stefan F Sergeant

Stefan F

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Men ack och ve. 3:an visade "Way of the Dragon", och där får Chucken pisk. Ordentligt med smörj. Ja, han blir t.o.m. dödad - av Bruce Lee.

Kan detta verkligen vara sant. :navy:

Jag ska kolla med 3:an hur dom lyckats manipulera filmen såpass.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Honken Överfurir

Honken

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Chucken verkar ju inte precis ha humorn i behåll iaf. Eller så börjar pengarna ta slut, kanske?

http://www.expressen.se/noje/bocker/1.9789...ammer-bokforlag

 

Åh jo. Humorn i behåll har han. Han har varit med i flera program där han citerar sådana citat som står boken har tagit med.

 

Att förlaget stäms grundar sig nog mer på att förlaget har inte skrivit alla "Chuck Norris Facts" själva, utan att ha gjort eget arbete (bara hittat så många "faktabitar" som möjligt och bunkat ihopa det i en bok), och att de profiterar på hans namn.

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